Colorado Rockies, Tear Down That Wall!

Denver Post - SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — After decades of watching home runs fly out of Coors Field at a heightened clip, the Rockies on Tuesday said they will raise their outfield fences to tamp down on the longballs.

The high-homer home of the "Blake Street Bombers" will get its biggest change to how baseball is played at altitude since a humidor was installed in 2002.

"The goal is to raise the wall heights to make it potentially more playable and more fair — for pitchers," Rockies general manager Jeff Bridich said. "We really don't know, exactly, the effect it is going to have. We are going to live it together, this year, and see what happens."

The Rockies will raise their outfield wall between right-center and right field by 8 feet and 9 inches, to match the height of the out-of-town scoreboard, at 16 feet-6 inches in height. A green-coated, chain-link fence will sit on top of the existing green-padded wall in front of the visiting and home bullpens.

As you all know, Greg Maddux once said "Chicks dig the long ball", which is why this decision is so puzzling. Part of the appeal of Coors is the fact that everyone goes yard there, from Dante Bichette to Kaz Matsui. Ever since Rico Brogna hit the first home run at Coors in 1995 (big time trivia answer), it's been a non-stop homer party, and in no way is that a bad thing.

The only thing that makes sense is that "building walls" is very en vogue and topical at the moment. Maybe the Rockies brass are thinking "all these morons love Donny's wall, they must be big time wall people." Probably had Pink Floyd blasting in the background of the GM meeting with everyone bobbing there head convinced they really did it, but you don't need no education to realize that the crowds at Coors are going to be comfortably numb with boredom without a dinger every other inning. Baseball fans from coast to coast can agree. Who knew that Coors Field would turn into our Brandenburg Gate...tear down (those) walls!

Weird UVM Professor Just Weird UVM Dad

UVM "Wellness Dorm" (Wink)

The Boston Globe published this article earlier on our beloved University of Vermont. Any time something wacky and "progressive" occurs on the UVM campus no one bats an eye lash...but this weird dorm idea didn't pass the smell test. They try to bury the lede by quoting this poor brainwashed vice provost "“If they can get really good health habits now, we’ve done our job,”....okey dokey vice provost, you are totally thinking your own thoughts.

I did a little more digging (scrolling down the page) and came face to face with "The force behind the Wellness Environment is Dr. James Hudziak, who put theory into practice when his daughter, now a sophomore, enrolled at the university."

Ah-HA. Quelle surprise Dr. Hudziak's own daughter enrolled at the University. Now to be fair, if my daughter was going to college in my backyard I would probably attempt to create this dink-topia for kids who claim they aren't going to party, do drugs, drinks, etc. etc so I didn't have to worry about her going through the "normal college" experience; Domino's and puke for average dudes and ";)" for average chicks. But I've got bad news for you bubba, when you created this dorm science experiment you forgot the part where kids are VERY weird and will find an outlet for that, via booze or drugs or your daughter getting put on the spit or running 5Ks on the biggest party day of the year or whatever. Comes down to different tastes for different needs, but the common denominator is needs. 

Long story short, when you are a weird dad who invents a weird dorm in a thinly veiled effort to keep your daughter from getting hers, always be wary that you are compounding the weirdness and weird x weird is never a winning combo for dads.

The Art of Starting a Bandwagon

Moving to Denver, one of the first things you notice is that there aren't any Rockies fans. More specifically, there are no celebrity Rockies fans on record, which is the most important thing for a baseball franchise. For example:
Former lovable television icon turned smug evil game-show host Drew Carey

Sully Sullenberg of Hudson River and Rockstar Sex Fame

Dick Vitale, Hooters Shareholder

But that's just to name a few of Major League Baseball's most iconic franchises. Given all these celebs have all been invited to throw out the first pitch, it's fairly obvious that it pays to be THE token celebrity fan of any organization. The thing about the Rockies is that, even on google, nothing will pop up when you search "Celebrity Rockies Fan" (disclosure: I did not do this search). Given that there are no Rockies fans period, I figure that as America's first Rockies fan I will become the de-facto celebrity Rockies fan; once established as such the first pitch invites and women will come in droves (presumably).

Starting a bandwagon is a three step process, as follows:

Step 1: Purchase a mackin' hat

Obvious choice. Peacock a bit to gather interest. Nothing more mackin' than fake Guy Fieri hair. KEY TIP: Cut off tags before wearing.

Step 2: Find your lucky shirt

This one is a little more tricky. Now I'm not a big jersey guy, which made it a little trickier, plus the fact that there were no easily found Mike Hampton jersey on ebay, but I decided on this bad boy for two reasons, one good one necessary. The good, set the tone. Bad Girls Club. Next. The necessary, shirts with tons of letters are provocative, but they make people stare at your belly. A necessary evil some might say.

Step 3 (Least Important): Learn the players on the team

Stay tuned for a definitive breakdown of our beloved Rockies roster...

Signed,

America's First Rockies Fan